Let common sense guide you in negotiations

By Hal Becker

We seem to need rules for everything in life. Rules seem to go on and on. The rules for negotiating are simple.

There are no rules! Forget the rules, and concentrate on common sense. Think back to the stuff Mom and Dad taught you. This stuff is pretty basic, and sometimes we complicate life with a lot of nonsense. Keep it simple!

Why should we complicate a simple process of listening? Ask questions, hear the answer, and then respond. Simple stuff works, and the job gets done more quickly and with less mess. I know you want some rules, so I will give you guidance. But instead of rules, I want to give you the qualities of a good negotiator:

Discipline
Discipline is what Navy Seals and Tiger Woods are made of, the internal focus that gives us the drive, desire and dedication we need to be at the top of our game. Discipline is what will give us the winning attitude. Without it, there is no motivation and no way to be at the top of your game.

Think of it as a diet: You need discipline to lose weight and even more discipline to keep it off. One problem for most people is that they only go a little way and lose some of the weight. Truly disciplined people lose all the weight and keep it off permanently.

Endurance
Also called "stamina," endurance is the ability to keep going when others have quit. People have always called Henry Kissinger and even Donald Trump incredible negotiators. They are the Energizer bunnies of negotiating. They are in the fight for all 10 rounds and never, never get knocked out. They keep going and going and going.

Respect
Know two things about respect. First, for the other party to respect you, you must earn it. Second, for you to respect the other party, you must do your homework and find out as much as possible so that they in turn have your respect. If you go through life being genuine, nice, and - most important - honest, you will earn a good reputation, which promotes respect.

Tell people upfront what your intentions are. Trust me, they already know, but by being forthright and upfront, you earn more respect at the negotiating table. Honesty and your reputation are key, and you cannot fake them! Also remember that you both have the goal of winning something valuable. Unlike football or baseball, negotiation can produce two winners.

Patience
You have heard that good things happen to those who wait. We are a pretty impatient bunch today, and a lot of us haven't developed the ability to tolerate adversity and to overcome frustration. That's what patience is, and to succeed at negotiating, there's no substitute for patience. You may need to overcome many obstacles to reach your goals.

If you persevere and add a sprinkle of patience, in most cases your outcome will be what you desired. Lots of publishers rejected my first book, "Can I Have 5 Minutes Of Your Time?" (After the 34th rejection, I lost count). But I was patient and never gave up, and that book is in its 14th printing.

Empathy
Do I still sound like Mom? Well, Mom is probably the greatest negotiator on the planet.

Think about it: She is constantly negotiating with her kid in the supermarket or in the toy store or even the playground. The kid wants everything, and Mom wants almost nothing the kid wants.

Empathy is the ability to view the other person's feelings and to put yourself in his position.

This is one of the most important traits to carry every day, throughout your life, no matter whom you meet.

You will be a great observer of human nature, and people will appreciate the fact that you truly put their feelings or concerns before yours.

Having empathy for others and observing their behavior require practice. They take years to learn and probably will never be perfected. Strive to be genuine. People can easily spot a truly genuine person - and just as easily spot a phony.

Humor
I am so tired of being politically correct. We can't make fun of anybody anymore. I miss the comedian Don Rickles. He made fun of everybody. His secret was that he always made fun of himself first. If you can first laugh at yourself, then it's OK to take liberties with others because they know you're having fun and aren't being mean-spirited.

And by the way, we need more fun in the workplace. If I'm going to spend two-thirds of my life somewhere, then I am going to have fun. In the boring business world, let's take a few liberties. I'm not suggesting you tell jokes, put a whoopee cushion on chairs or conceal a buzzer in your palm. Just smile and see the comical in things.

The more fun you have, the more fun the people around you will have. When we lighten up a little, so do the people around us. You don't have to wait for the next person to do it first. A smile can light up a room!

Source: Hal Becker, who's a known expert on Sales, Customer Service, and Negotiating. He conducts seminars or consults to more than 140 organizations a year. His client list includes IBM, Disney, New York Life, Continental Airlines, Verizon, Terminix, AT&T, Pearle Vision, Cintas, and hundreds of other companies and associations.